Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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