Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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