She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
