I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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