this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize