Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
