Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
