he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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