I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
