True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
