6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
