Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
