Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
