Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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