haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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