Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
