I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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