I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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