Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
