he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
