Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize