I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
