Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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