I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
