So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
