wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I feel great
I just peed on a car
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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