i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
