Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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