I just threw up on my dentist
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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