i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
