You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
