Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
