im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
