my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
