How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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