quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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