You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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