apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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