my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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