The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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