The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
