i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize