Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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