I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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