And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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