Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He told me they were just razor bumps!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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