My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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