i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
