Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
