Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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