R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
