I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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