i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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