How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm like, not good at living.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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