Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
