Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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