jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
