if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
