My underwear smells like fireworks.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
