so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
