My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize