Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
