Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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