I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
