I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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