tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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