We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize